Proctalgia fugax

I'm not usually given to writing poems about physical ailments, but while the topic in this poem is, in reality, quite unpleasant, it also has its humorous side. 

Proctalgia fugax

The condition known as

Proctalgia fugax

is like squatting on a bed of tacks,

or rather, one gigantic tack.

PF attacks a person’s back -

specifically the canal

that’s inner anal - by

cramping up some muscle, which

don’t make one feel swell, or well. 

Proctalgia fugax waits till night-time to

perform, waits till you’re relaxed and

fast asleep, then wakes you with a

pain that racks, and taxes your

ability to calm remain, stops you

dozing, insists from resting

you desist, says, get up now if you

know what’s good for you!

Proctalgia fugax isn’t good for you.

You’ll come to no harm, but there’s

no kind of balm that will ease the pain

as it increases to the max.

Forget defecting to the loo, or

defecating in it; PF doesn’t

signal imminent evacuation –

except from bed, of course.

Sometimes walking helps, though

you’re not required to leave the

house; some recommend

sitting, but on a tennis ball,

putting pressure on the perineum -

I don’t think that’d help at all;

or taking paracetamol by two, but

PF, say the experts helpful,

once waxed will wane before the

tablets ease the pain.  Some in

hot water sit, some ice apply–

neither of these sound nice

to me, and who wants in the

freezer ice to find, or boil up

water, in the dark of the night?

Women can ignore this next:

for men PF can rise when you’ve had

sex - post coitus it will let you sleep

awhile – then waking you in pain,

adds insult to injury, now

stands the slack and rested member

up once more, ready to bounce

back, then stacks woe on woe,

puts you under attack both front and back.

Proctalgia fugax sometimes

comes by day, whether at work

or play: transmitting a fax, or

shovelling the road, taking

dictation or hauling a load,

riding a bike, aquajogging,

feeding the ducks - or snogging.  

But night-time’s its favourite,

making the most of its doubling-up

impact to tumble you out of the

sack, with its pain in the

crack giving you flak.

Eventually, backstage,

things begin to assuage:

you return to your bed, but you’re

restless and hot, and like any

lurgy that lurks you are

cautious of aftershock,

your partner disturbing,

who tosses and turns till you

stomp out of bed and go sleep on the

couch.  PF’s not an ‘ouch’, it’s never an

‘oooh.’  Colonoscopy’s closer or

that horn of a rhino you saw in the

zoo, goring you. That might be

hyperbole, but you’d

exaggerate too if Proctalgia

fugax happened to you. 

Proctalgia fugax is a severe, cramp-like pain, deep in the anal canal. It usually lasts for a few seconds or minutes, but can sometimes last for up to half an hour. Between attacks there is no pain at all. Most sufferers have only 5 or 6 attacks a year. You may feel a need to defecate urgently, but nothing happens. It may even make you feel dizzy, or give you a headache. It occurs in both men and women. The pain often wakes sufferers at night, and men may have an erection at the same time. Some men experience it after sex. It is a mysterious condition; no one knows what causes it, but it is probably a spasm of the rectal or pelvic floor muscles and does not mean that you have anything seriously wrong. There are various methods of relieving the pain.